my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
MIDGETS
????
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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