We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
