My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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