Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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