Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
