dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
we made out on top of his cat.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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