I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
