He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
