Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
