You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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