I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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