Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
