Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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