Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
