Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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