between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
