take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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