In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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