I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
