I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
a search helicopter?!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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