so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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