I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
