I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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