the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
