glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
