Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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