God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
