My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize