Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
