Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
