Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
