Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
