so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The feeling are messing with the penis
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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