I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
