Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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