She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
