She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
