On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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