Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
