got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
