Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
