He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
