Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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