Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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