I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i now understand why vodka
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
