the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
