I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize