We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
