I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize