Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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