Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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