dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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