My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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