Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
