just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
